I realised I have not updated this blog for so long now. Maybe it’s because I’ve been lazy to update 2 blogs at the same time, one being my public one, and this private space that I have forgotten to fill.
School’s been the same, but slightly lighter in the sense that I’m taking 4 modules instead of the usual 5. Readings are heavy but I’m still able to upkeep my schedule, so it’s still manageable for me.. I also joined Pilates class with some friends, and am continuing in leading my PLUMB group. This time round, my PLUMB only has 2 girls, and I’m gratified that it has been going well so far. The girls come regularly, and it’s during lunch time, which offers for a meal and sharing. I always find sharing comes better with a platform for conversation, such as a Bible Study, or a Meal. As such, I’m glad this system is working out. It may get a bit harder to meet during the later half of the semester, but as of now I’m grateful of the arrangement. The 2 of them are familiar to me – One used to be in my PLUMB group as well, and the other is a close church friend of mine.
Apart from school, I’m also trying to attend more YA KG events this year to get to know my cell group more. This year, I’m motivated to try and attend more of the young adult group events, and in so doing I have expanded my friend circle in church, which is timely as well, considering how my own age group has shrunk considerably since last year. There’s half of us left in Singapore, while the rest have embarked on their Exchange, NOC and long term study overseas. It feels lonelier now without them around, considering how weekly lunches with my age group were a huge thing in the past, and I remember every single Sunday was occupied with spending time with them. Now, we lack that closeness as before, since we are a smaller group, thus there is less cause to meet, and even more so with many of us having clashing ministries and schedules. I haven’t had a lunch with them in over a month now; I do hope to make time for one soon!
Ministry has been more or less the same, but with slightly more commitments now, since I’m head of usher for one of the groups. As such, during that day I have to come earlier and take the responsibility of allocating people around, doing the set-up, and also being the one passing and collating the offering bags at the end. My usher duties have been simpler in the past, so now I have to step up and become more aware of the duties needed, as well as to set a good example to my fellow ushers. It does take a toll on some Sundays, especially when I have both scripture reading, and discussion group in the morning prior to the worship service. My whole day in church is then packed, and in so doing church service is mostly just serving. As such, I am really thankful or those weeks that I have no allocated duties; it’s nice to sit in the pulpit and simply be still and quiet in God’s house.
I’ve also been going for some Bible classes church, which talks about different themes for theology. This round I registered for Man and Sin, which talks about man’s origins and how we became fallen, as well as interesting perspectives of death, and the idea of hell. Following this I do hope to sign up for a Church History course when it appears – I’ve always wanted a clearer picture of the church in totality.
This week is a quiet one for me, with some small gatherings here and there to celebrate my birthday. This year’s birthday is a blessed one, and I am glad to have celebrated with my usual groups of friends – I had way too many cakes. Haha. I counted and in one week, I had eaten slices from 8 over cakes. Throughout that week I tried to keep my meals as simple as possible, and I ran and exercised as much as I could to burn off all that sugar. This week I’m meeting a school friend, my cousin, and 2 church friends for meals, and I’m pretty excited for it! I’m going to Foster’s for the first time, and I’m also bringing my fiends to try the Korean food at Beauty World – I’ve been craving a good Army Stew.
Apart from all these, I’ve also signed up for the OSIM sundown half-marathon, which will take place in around slightly more than a month’s time. I’m preparing for it, and running 3 times a week, sometimes outdoors, and other times on the treadmill with inclines. It has been really good, and I do hope I can keep pace on the day itself. I couldn’t find a buddy to run with, so I’m going by myself! It’s my first time going for such an event, but I am sure I will persevere and also achieve this milestone.
And lastly, a little emotional piece.
I’ve been feeling quite lonely to be honest – Despite having friends and family around. As such as I love their company and all, I’m also aware that some friendships can only go pass a certain level, and it can’t go beyond that level. It’s a bit superficial to me, but I know that not every friendship can go deep. There are some that I trust more than others, and those that I know that will be there for me are dwindling. It’s a bit strange how I have known some of them for many years, but I still withhold sharing everything with them. And moreover, I realise I don’t share my life that much with people unless I trust them. For me, if you really wanted to know, or you really wanted to be there, you would ask me and make time. As such, it’s a bit absurd for me when some friends just disappear for many months, and then reappear in your life and suddenly act like we are close friends again. There are also those kinds that come by when they need your help for something, but otherwise they disappear. And when they return, all you can think of is whether they simply need your help once again. For me, unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. Closeness is being there, and being available. As such, I do have a problem with those that seem to only come back into your life when they find it convenient to do so, or when they seem to have that guilt factor of not spending any time with me at all. I don’t need your pity or some form of lacklustre friendship – If you are going to be there, be there. Even if I don’t see you, the least would be communication. Communication on a basis that I can still trust you enough to tell you things.
I realise that while I have a certain number of friends that I will take time out to spend with, and enjoy good times with, there are only a select few I’d truly be close with, and only with a few that I would dare to trust and actually reveal myself.
That being said, I’m learning more about myself, and friendships more than ever. And as I journey on I do hope that I learn to balance my realism and idealism in my life.