I’ve been learning about through this period about God’s will for me, and while it has not been the easiest road, I do realise that this is another growth season. A time for me to learn to rely ever more on God, and to learn that only He can provide the emotional, physical and spiritual support that I truly need. Often times I put my grades and my relationship status on pedestals, seeing them as goals I should fulfil, if not I’d be missing out on the good things, or simply not being ‘worthy’ enough to achieve them. I realise how flawed and wrong that is, because my worth and assurance should be on God. Not when things go my way, but in fact, all the more when things don’t go how I expected it to be.
God has been addressing the condition of my heart rather than my circumstances, and despite it being a ‘dry season’ around, I see flowers blooming within. God is planting a little garden of peace, restoration and forgiveness in my soul. I realise as I address these issues and admit I need the Lord’s help to deal with them, I find greater peace than ever before. I can admit to Him that I have been unforgiving towards certain people, that I have certain attitudes in my heart that are not of Him, and should be removed. I find myself learning to be thankful, and for appreciating and taking hard advice, even when it can be hard to hear. I’m learning all the more about Joy, and what that actually means. It’s not just feelings, but reassurances that no matter what happens, that God is actually there all the time.
God has been good, and He showed me through many close-shaves overseas and recently, that He is always listening, and He is never not aware of His child and what he/she is going through. When I needed help, God simply provided when I was desperate, in terms of moving people around and doing things behind the scenes to work and provide for me. He also gave me assurances of encouragement through people, be it through time spent, words given, letters or gestures. They always come in surprises, and I’d like to think that God is a creative God of surprises.
I also realise that my attitude towards circumstances in life makes all the difference. That yes, life can be a tough nut, people can disappoint again and again, you can fail again and again, but ultimately, how you deal with it, and how you see it matters more. God’s perspective and idea of ‘timing’ and ‘restoration’ are way different from mine, and I am learning to be content with the way I am, how I look, and the talents and abilities that God has given me. To see my strengths and weaknesses, and that my own physical ability to love is so limited. I need to draw on His strength, and surrender my life to Him every single day.
Also, God is teaching me to judge less, and recently He brought some people in my path that I wasn’t too comfortable with, and to my surprise, they were not all whom I deemed them to be, and that my perceptions and so called ‘wise-judgement’ of them was wrong. I realise my tendency to judge people based on an outward assessment of them (e.g. how I think they behave around people, how I deem them to be, personality cues), and not actually take time to know them more. To be less quick to judge at the first impressions, but to give people a chance and sometimes, they will surprise you immensely.
God has been doing amazing work in my life, and I hope to look back and see the gradual change in me. To a more positive, secure, joyful and thankful person.