I have a lot of pride… The pride of not wanting to admit that I need to be loved, or to be accepted. That I am blocking out and being defiant in the face of everyone I know, even God. That I don’t want to be in a position to be weak, and vulnerable, and totally out of control. I hate being out of control, and as much as I hate to admit it, I do fall. I do need God. I do Him in every aspect of my life, and my ignoring my own emotional needs and everything, I am just fooling myself into oblivion.
To pretend that some things don’t matter, or that some things don’t hurt, is perhaps not the best way to go. It eats you up inside, and when you display it to the world for the first time, people are appalled and worried, because it was a fear and a worry that you have never shown before. That element of vulnerability for sure, and to show the softer side of need… Maybe no one knows that I do need help, and care, more than what people think. I built too many walls, and for God, I guess I better start knocking them down. I don’t think I can ever get rid of walls with people, because I don’t trust people all that much, not even some of my friends. But God, is an exception. Because He knows what it is in my heart in the first place… And I just need to lay down that crown of pride and be willing to admit I don’t have it all together. That I can’t be the ‘self sufficient independent woman’ I aspire to be. That I do need His love. I need the love of people around me. And I am hurt by goodbyes, plagued by fears, and being alone.
And to God, I’m sorry.
Maybe I do need to trade my crown of pride for a crown of Yours. A crown that is willing to be wounded, and vulnerable, and more trusting of people.