Sometimes I really question God’s choices and decisions to bring me to places that are outside my comfort zone. There are reasons I am sure that He makes me uncomfortable. Currently, in this camp planning committee, I’m beginning to question the purpose of my place there. I always do… And whenever put in such an environment, I feel out-of-place. I ask God for help, and I need his encouragement so much.
Despite being assured of my place with the Lord, such situations and places, where I am placed with people that are so different from me, or with circumstances that make me uncomfortable, the old things that I have hidden or stowed away, such as my doubts, and my self esteem problems come out in full force. I become afraid, guarded, doubtful, self-conscious… Not like my new self, that I have come to know. It’s like meeting an old untouched version of yourself, and the engulfing feeling is not pleasant at all. I’ve become very good at keeping this to myself though, only showing it to people within my family circles. That is one trait I have come to have… That I’ve become quite good at hiding my feelings from people. That I don’t share myself very much unless the environment enables me to be comfortable enough to open up and trust others. I’m learning how to be able to share this misgivings with people, and learn to trust people more.
The Lord is certainly stretching me to learn how to loosen up and be less self conscious, and also to be willing to embrace people that are so different from me, despite some qualms and quiet dislike that I have towards a person in the group, because she is so different from me. Our personalities almost clash completely, but I know that I should not let my preconceived notions of her cloud my judgement, because she has many great points of view and ideas too.
Also, I know that God likes to expand my experiences and boundaries, and I wonder… Why Lord, would you choose someone like me, to be in an environment that makes me a fish out of water. I’m not that kind of typical camp planning person. I never was, and yet I keep getting called back to it, despite my misgivings and doubts of my own worth in the groups I have been in.
I don’t see what God sees in me. What do I have to offer in groups? And in people? I remember the lessons He taught me, and I’m applying them in my life. That God in my glaring weaknesses will show His glory and equip me with the skills I never thought I could have. And He always does it, as a sharp reminder to me that I don’t always have it together. And at times where my emotions and my fears are most vulnerable, God reminds me gently again. The evil one loves to probe at this part of me, the weakest part of me that people seldom see. I put up a front to hide and mask my insecurities and innermost fears and misgivings, and in big groups, I shrink and become quiet. I’m selectively talkative and sociable, so I guess the lord has a sense of humour to put me with groups that are different, yet can teach me many things.
During these times, the old questions come back. That I’m not even worthy to be loved, or not worthy to belong, or that I don’t deserve any place in any where. All these old fears and givings come back, and I must learn to surrender it to the Lord. I used to try to control my fears, but I realised it doesn’t work at all. Only through perfect surrender, and the love of my Lord God, that I find peace.
I’m also re-evaluating some parts of my life at this point of time, with more time to think. As I do manual work in volunteering, explore nature spots, and also enjoy time alone, I do think of the more sombre things. Dealing with heart break, with my standing with my friends, my fears, the impending Berkeley trip… All these things make me think, and process my thoughts, whether jaded, happy, or whatever emotion that comes to it. God shows me His love, and the grace of people, who accept me as I am. And as doubtful that I can fully trust people, or as doubtful that people actually accept me, and as doubtful whether I can get over things and see the bigger picture, I know I can.
Have done it before, and I can do it again.
I don’t feel defeated and lost as before. I feel that it is a gentle reminder, and also an important time for me to learn more of myself, why I feel some things, process things that I have gone through, be it present or past, to see the brokenness of the world in different ways, and how to improve and surrender to the Lord.
I’m getting there. And no tears were shed, and no words of self hate came out of it.
It’s getting better.
I do hope that the Batam trip this weekend will be good. Truth be told, as I went through the week and had all sorts of doubts and emotions, I am half excited and half reluctant to go. But all the same, I’ll just go with an open mind, and have fun! We’re going to do snorkelling, and also some water sports like banana boat and parasailing. Will pray for a blessed trip with this large group of friends I’m going with (the biggest travelling group I’ve ever been to outside a tour).
Hopefully, in the next post, I will have the greater strength and renewal as I have experienced before.