Honest.

This week has been a revelation in some way or another, and I am quite thankful for everything that has taken place this week.

What I thought was a casual lunch appointment was actually a means of a friend getting me to tell her what happened last semester, and I was at a loss for words. The minute I sat down, she asked, “Cass, how are you recovering from last semester?”

I was taken aback at her words, because that is not usually how lunch with friends is supposed to go. And I was wondering what she was so troubled about. The next thing I knew, she was saying, ‘Some have been wondering about you, and speculating what had transpired last semester. They all have different versions, but I really want to ask it from you.”

In that precious hour and a half, the pair queried and prodded me on what happened last year, and why I felt certain things. They looked worried, and I was puzzled and amazed at their concern. It felt like a counselling session in a way, where I was asked to relate what I went through, and why I felt that way. As I shared, some of the pains flooded back. It helped me recall and also share this precious burden with them. As they listened, they too shared their own stories and how last semester was a steep learning curve for them. They told me that I wasn’t alone, and I felt this wash of understanding, that someone had understood my pain and didn’t run away from it. We ended it by praying for each other, and they also convinced me to sign up for this talk right before Valentines’ Day. In different ways, this talk is apt for us, and I was initially hesitant to go, but I signed up as I felt the need to get this right with God somehow. To unravel and learn something perhaps, from this workshop. It is an interesting topic, not the usual ‘to-dos’ and ‘cannot’ of relationships, but the right way to live and glorify Him in whatever I am going through.

One of them prayed for healing and restoration for my heart, and indeed, I really need to get this right with God. My emotions have been really erratic of late, and I can’t quite put a name to them. It’s like I am in the present but also hiding a lot of feelings inside, and I can’t share or know how to deal with them. It is hard somewhat, to reconcile what you feel into words, but my friend suggested writing it. I hardly write my emotions nowadays, which is strange.

In some ways I have become a little withdrawn, and out of touch emotionally, because I think it’s all still a mess and I am trying to figure out myself and bring to light some things. These experiences made me realise that there are some things that I still bound my security on, and God had gently removed them away–My supporting pillars, to bring me back to Himself. On one hand, it was painful, and another, it perhaps, was traumatic in the trust aspect, where I just felt that I couldn’t trust anything or anyone, because I feared that something would go wrong. So many negative thoughts surfaced in my head, and I was struggling to deal with them. As I analyse and break things down, I realise that there is no real reason for me to harbour over these things of the past, and as recent as they may be, I know that I can start anew and live life fully in God alone. He took away a dream that I didn’t have the right motives for, he took away a person that was relatively close to me in some ways, he took away my security in my grades that I backed up my place in college for, he took away a chance for me to get to know someone I really liked, and for him to suddenly be out of my life, is painful in more ways than one. So many dreams and possibilities that were crushed somewhat, and I am wondering how it all fits.

But God has been good. He has been prompting me through people to not fall into this black pit of self pity and also doubt in my esteem. I always return to this hole of doubt that I have dug for myself, instead of basking in God’s glory and wonder. It makes me realise and also to challenge myself to stop relying on things of the world, things that are temporary, to back my security on.

Whatever it is, I am glad to have finally been honest with myself how I feel about everything. There is much to be thankful for, and I know that when I look upon this post one day, I will have been glad to experienced everything in the past year.

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