It’s been difficult.
The end of the year is supposed to be an occasion to celebrate life, love, success, and to be thankful for everything that has happened. While others celebrated life, I marked a death. A death of a friend.
Going to a friend’s funeral seems wrong on so many levels. I shouldn’t be going to his wake, shouldn’t be a pallbearer pushing his casket out to the van, shouldn’t be putting white roses on his casket. He’s young… And he has dreams and hopes like everyone else. Just months ago he was relating to me on how he was so happy to be able to continue his studies in Junior College . He’s as old as I am. He should have run the race longer. Never have I imagined attending a funeral of a friend at this age.
All of us were there, seeing our friend off yesterday in the Vigil Service. Many tears were shed, and it was that single moment that we all cried together for a common cause.
It wasn’t easy seeing him lie in the casket. But I am thankful that he is peaceful, and indeed, he is in a place where no tears are shed, and no more illness will plague him. He was a fighter, and I am amazed at his faith and perseverance against all odds.
He will be dearly missed, and I am glad that we managed to celebrate his birthday, and that we saw him and talked with him. He was a determined chap that went against all odds to come to church, and he’ll be early for service in his wheelchair.
We used to share our love for writing, and we exchanged blogs at some point of time. He writes so well, and I was privileged to be able to read his work.
While it’s hard for the people around him to move on, I know that he is free from pain, and there is a certain peace that he is with the Lord.
Also, my Overseas Exchange application wasn’t successful. It is hard really, because I had followed what God told me to do. He told me to wait, and apply for this round. Yet, when I did, I had to wait for so long, and only to receive a rejection email. It is my dream to go for an Exchange, and I realise now, maybe that’s not meant to be. And the door is shut.
Ever since, I’ve been looking at Summer School programs overseas during the holidays to figure out an alternative… It isn’t easy, knowing that perhaps, you were not good enough to make the cut for an exchange. While all your friends are leaving and going off for their adventures, you’ll be the one at the airport, sending every single one of them off, and yet you’re left behind… There’ll be pictures, updates, and people updating on their lives overseas, and I can only look outside from a window. It’s not easy, because it was my dream. And I can’t fulfil that.
Sometimes I can’t help but feel the pressure and strain, that everyone is doing so well, and yet I’m still slowly manoeuvring my way through. Everyone receives and earns achievements and grades with so much ease, such that they don’t even think twice about it. And yet I can’t meet their standards no matter how hard I try. Whenever people share, it’s always about the good stuff, and they expect me to have the same things to share. They look at you as a benchmark of their success, and I feel that crushing need to be perfect all the time, and yet…I fall short. And it’s hard, to be the one with the bad I can’t share, because… it’s almost like I become a bearer of bad news. There’s nothing good that has been happening. It’s all been pain, it’s been hard. It’s not easy, knowing that you will always feel inferior, and left behind in all the achievements and things in life. The only question I have now is… why.
The hard thing is that people don’t understand, and they don’t know how to deal with your sharing. And I can only bite my teeth to say that it’s okay, even when inside my heart, I know that it is not okay.
I trust that whatever God is doing in my life is for His glory and for good, because He is good. But it is hard for me.
I remember though, that God has blessed me in so many ways, and I should remember and tap on those good memories despite it being a difficult season. It’ll be hard, and lonely to handle, but I know I can do it. Both in my grief and disappointments of school life.