These few days have been one where I have been cooped up revising on my work and having a lot of time to myself, and it also allowed me to think through some things and come to terms with how I am feeling. It took me many days and procrastinations to finally put into words what I am feeling. It’s hard to express, but it isn’t as painful as before.
Besides everything else that has been happening around me, I guess this is a season of winter, where I am thankful for not only the good things, but the things that bring me pain. The stuff that cuts into my heart–I feel it in strong amounts, but it brings growth and peace in the long run.
I think the hardest part about drifting away from people is the silence. There is a huge gaping silence that cannot be filled, and you have no means of bridging that gap.
I feel foolish, for letting this person into my life those months ago. When he left overseas, I was worried that it would transcend to this. And unfortunately, I was right. We stopped talking. After he left, he stopped contacting me.
During those months where I knew him, I was always confused with him, because he seemed so friendly and spontaneous in reaching out to me. He approached me first. And as he sought me out to talk to me… I thought it was special, and I was confused when he didn’t contact me at all during these months. Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months. I haven’t spoken to him in 6 months and more. And it’s hard, because it hurts that I wasn’t even important enough to him to keep in touch.
I have forced my emotions down the drain, after a shocking revelation that he has been in regular contact with another girl, who happens to be a friend of mine. The initial shock, and the painful revelation that perhaps, I wasn’t so special after all. He was just being nice, and friendly. I read everything wrongly. I was a fool.
What hurts now is the silence… The silence that he doesn’t even care to fill. To me, it’s loud, and screaming. But I cannot do anything about it. It’s also a silent code to stop interfering when there is another party involved. He’s coming back soon, and I know, my heart may take another beating, if something happens between him and her.
The hard part about being friends with both of them is that she trust me to tell me of their conversations, and every time she meets me, she mentions him. And I have to be happy for her… But honestly, how can I? It hurts, everyday. It hurts when I finally turn down the lights and settle down for the day. Another day of silence. Another day where he did not care to even ask, ‘How are you?’
It hurts when friends do that, and exit your life. There is a gaping hole of silence, that you tried a few times to fill, but they never tried. And the hole keeps getting bigger and bigger, till it is a void that you avoid. But the hole never really patches up. It hardly heals. This issue hasn’t healed.
As I reflected upon these things for the past few days, I realised that I have the need to reconcile this reality within myself, and to have the courage to move on. To accept the fact that some people who have left my life aren’t coming back, and they won’t care to. There would be people in your life that would matter for one season and leave the next.
I realise how much damage it has done to myself. My confidence has been shaken, and that sad feeling of being forgotten. Of not mattering enough. Sometimes in my head, I wish I could hurl these questions “Who was I to you?” “Did all those mean nothing?”. To me, it felt like everything.
I also needed to reconcile with God about this, because I became angry… That He brought this person into my path, and I was hopeful, only to let it go down in such an awful way. Nothing good came out of this it seems. But I know that I am mentally strengthened. I have cried fewer tears, I have put these feelings aside when the day begins, and they only come back to haunt me when I am alone, and at night when no one is around. I have been dealing with it, and admitting that I still have not healed.
Music helps though, since it allows me to put words to feelings that I cannot describe. I have been listening to this album called ‘Ghost Stories’ by Coldplay, and somehow it has managed to resound with me these few days. The music is gentle, lulling, and yet has a small melancholic quality to it. In this I find healing, strangely. That I can move on by embracing whatever I am feeling now, instead of always burying it within myself. The writer of these songs himself also said that it had helped him through a rough patch as he channelled these feelings into works of art. That is what I have been trying to do. To listen to music, to make music, to draw, and sketch, whenever I can. And creating art somehow enables me to heal. With every day I am learning to patch and sew back the parts of my heart that I left with the people that I regarded as important but left. Some lyrics that I really enjoy would be
Wait for your call, love
The call never came
Ready to fall, love
Ready to claim
I’m ready for it all, love
I’m ready for a pain
Meet under sun
Meet me again
In the rain
Flock of birds
Just a flock of birds
It’s how you think of love
And I always
Look up to the sky
Pray before the dawn
‘Cause they fly always
Sometimes they arrive
Sometimes they are gone
They fly on
3. True Love
For a second, I was in control
I had it once, I lost it though
And all along the fire below would rise
And I wish you could have let me know
What’s really going on below
I’ve lost you now, you let me go
But one last time
I haven’t really written any of these feelings before, and as I write, I feel a sense of reconciliation within myself. It still hurts everyday, and I am trying to deal with it. Through this process I came to know myself more, as I seek to pick off and learn about my emotions. I don’t forget easily. And I will remember to be more careful next time. To be wiser the next time.
The winter is here to stay for now. One day, I shall see the spring. And in this whole process, God is crafting and moulding me into who I am meant to be. I see His love as something so perfect and pure, since I see that His love will never disappoint, never abandon or hurt me. And I need to find Him as much as I need to remind myself of my stability and worth.
I will come out of this stronger. And to whoever who read this post all the way, thank you for reading.