Afraid.

I guess there are some things in my life that I am indeed worried about, and after all of this, I guess I want to write it down.

The upcoming semester will be a new challenge altogether, and I can’t help but feel apprehension and fear at what I could face. This time around, I will be taking some (if not most) of my modules without my usual bunch of friends from my major, and it’s more of exploring the things I like doing rather than banding together. As much as I’d like to say that I will talk to people and get to know them, I still have that fear. Plus, some of the modules I am taking is of a higher difficulty, which is to move up to the level 3000 modules. All this time I’ve been hovering around level 1000 (introductory) and 2000 (moderate and still manageable) but the real challenge is to study at level 3000. What’s more, I’m taking two level 3000 modules this time around. That’s a real jump from my first year on campus.

Another thing will be juggling my duties as Secretary with my duties in church and school. Being a secretary in CF is reasonable, but i know that I will have to commit more time to attending their meetings and all. I’m not sure if I can keep myself going with many things demanding my time and effort. It’s going to be busy. I’m worried I will burn out… I don’t want to burn out and then lose focus of everything. That’s the worst way to go. I want to study and serve with all the capacity I have.

Some of my friends are headed overseas as well. Next year, I’ll be bidding 4 dear friends overseas, some for long-term independent study and others for an Exchange Program. This week, I’m bidding a friend goodbye as well as he heads over to USA. As much as I’d love them to explore and step out of their comfort zones, part of me is also reluctant to watch them go. I really hate goodbyes. Goodbyes are so uncertain, and I don’t know what will happen or become of the friendship with so much time apart. It’s like a  gaping hole that I don’t know whether will be bridged or a rift in the friendship. As we venture out into the life we live, I realise that all of us have different paths, and not necessarily intersecting or journeyed with people you love and know. You’re mostly exploring this life on your own, and with some companions along the way. Things are never constant, and only God so far has been totally constant in my life. I’m just worried, and also sad to see them go. It’ll be a story of my own if I leave for an Exchange as well. Sure, I’ll love to explore and live a life in another country, but I think I’d also carry that uncertainty of what will become of me or the people around me. Will we drift apart? A year from now, would you matter to me still? Friendship is so temporary nowadays. I’d like it to stay. I care a lot about relationships, but at times, I have to let them go. Part of my logical mind tells me that everything will work out in time, and having told God about how I feel, I should be okay. But I am afraid. I am still afraid.

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