Periods of testing and difficulty make a stronger person.
God has been really pushing me to deal with the innermost demons and my fears…Time and time again I have to meet my fears, because of the nature of them. But through all the trials of life, I learned that my problems are faced by so many other people, and I am not alone in my fears.
This period has been more of independence, and college had removed me from the security of having my best friends beside me all the way, allowing me to grow in my ability to fend for myself and grow in my own interests… Since of all have a different path, it is a time of establishing who I am as an individual, not just a person who is part of a larger group. To have my own taste in things, and these force me to become more sure of what I need and want… It is not dependant on anyone else. And I have learned time and time again that I cannot please everyone. And I should not let people step over me. I’m learning to establish my sense of self…
There have been more times that my parents have let go and I went through the exam period without them by my side… Did all the housework, took care of my brother, handled the meals and studied at the same time. And this is a new lease of independence for me, since they have always been behind me at my side, praying and encouraging me… This is a whole new experience, and I am glad for it.
Times of ups and lows in my academic life remind me again that I am not defined by a bell curve or how I fair compared to my peers. And as the years grow sometimes there are golden years where you do well, and others where you are in a slump. Currently I am in that slump, no matter how much I do. But then, I think that this gives me a chance to get over it, and I do not cry as much over my grades as before… Learning to suck it up and move on with the days’ events, since you are still responsible for so many other things, and people need you to be able to function.
More so when you yourself are in need, but then there are others who are low and in need of comfort. It is to learn how to look beyond yourself to comfort others, no matter how you are feeling. Because they need you too.
And I am able to say that I have a low self regard, which I never dared to say in front of anyone. I HAVE a low self regard, and I do not want to stay this way in the long haul. I’m becoming better, stronger, and more sure of who I am as a person. And time again I remembered the Lord who died for me, despite all that I see towards myself. The fact that He died for me, says that I should be loving and embracing towards myself. I still cannot do it, but I will in the long haul. And it is getting better than ever before… My self esteem was so fragile last time that whatever someone said made me feel like nothing, and now it is so much better that I don’t take it too hard. And last time, my morale was easily crushed when I failed once… Now having failed many times, it’s alright. Cry as you must, but it is always good to get up and face the music. And you will survive it. When I got rejected last time, it was such a blow to my esteem as well. But then I learned to see others who got rejected, and to comfort them on how to get over it. And to stop living in a fairy tale, and grow up to function as an independent. Last time I wished for someone to come sailing down to comfort me in my fears. Last time I wished that someone would notice me so that I feel more assured of my worth as a person.
But NO MORE… I want to be confident in myself, and be able to be that stronghold with someone else… And I am not going to put my security in another person, because a person is temporary. Placing my confidence and self worth in God is my source of strength. I want to dream, think bigger, and not sway in my walk.
I would have been a very different person if not for God’s saving grace. I will still be that bitter, disillusioned, angry and hurtful person if not for His love. God’s love taught me to forgive others. God’s love taught me who to stand up even when I failed. God’s love taught me to place my self worth in Him. God’s love taught me that I can overcome things, even when I thought I could not.
God’s love is shaping me into someone better, and greater than before.