Forgiveness.

The title explains it all…

For a while now, forgiveness wasn’t something that I could readily accept. And I have had issues with truly letting go of the people that have hurt me… Though yes I still regard them as acquaintances or friends, the hurt always remains. And I let it fester and grow till a point that it became unhealthy. It adds to a lot of heavy heartedness, and I need to learn to let go of the things that hurt, and forgive myself too.

God forgave me, so I should forgive others, and I should forgive myself. I should let myself love other people, be open minded and love myself. Because that was what God designed me to be. These few days somehow rendered a lot of opportunities for a talk about self image, relationships and forgiveness. I’ve buried it deep within me, but I think God wants me to take it a step further to face it head on. It’s like facing a ferocious bear that growls and snaps at you whenever you draw near. The hurt is real, and raw. And facing it head on requires patience and courage…

Sometimes I question why I am so sensitive myself, but being a sensitive soul has its ups and downs. You can understand people’s pain, but you deal a lot with your own pain too. As I was talking to my dad in the car about the sermon today (which was forgiveness. Haha apt much?), he patted me on the head, saying in a sad voice, “I think you got hurt a lot in the past. Even now…”. And then it kind of sparked me off to talk about it. I hardly mention it with people because overtime I share it gets choked up and I am very incoherent and I can’t express things. But now I am forcing myself to talk about it, and I feel better afterwards. Yesterday a good friend of mine had a similar conversation with me… She is very acute in sensing whether things are going wrong. And so we had this mini self-love session where she just asked me to list the things I did not like about myself, and one thing I DID like about myself. After much pausing and hesitation, I managed to converse with her about it. The pain is real and I keep choking up on my words. But I am still glad for this.

To forgive. To forget. To remember that God loved me first, and I should love myself. I should forgive myself. I should forgive other people, no matter what has surpassed, or how they made me feel. Easier said than done, but it is possible. And I can do it.

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