Today we commemorate Good Friday, the day that Christians all uphold the everlasting love of God who sent His son to die for us. The period gave me more time to reflect on God’s word, and also to rest in Him. God really knows how to take care of me, even when I am tired and sometimes leave Him out of the picture when I do things.
Sometimes I am worried that God does not understand, or I simply am too tired to immerse myself in the Word. But time again He answers some prayers in various ways. And I can only be in thanksgiving for what He has done for me.
There are some things that I disagree or cannot consolidate with Him yet. But I pray, and I cry out to Him, as I seek for more answers. Things like suffering, pain, and when things do not go the way you wished it would, you also wonder what God has in store.
One thing that I have been avoiding talking to God altogether would be relationships. Despite praying for healing and stuff, I have not actually talked to God about my true feelings. Over time, I have become cynical and also in disbelief of relationships. True enough, during my Monday Care Group, the topic was relationships. And I found myself feeling very uncomfortable and awkward during the whole CG. I did not know what to say, and whatever I was about to say about my point of view towards love was full of hurt, and also negative feelings. I began to realise it when my answers towards such topics were very hard-headed, and people wondered why I had such point of views. I went home disgruntled and in disbelief.
Throughout the week then, mum spoke to me about it once again. And after talking to her, I felt better too. And 2 friends in particular also spoke to me about it. They reminded me that God was a God of love, and feelings. And by choosing to shut myself out from such feelings, it was not God’s purpose for me. This has potential to cause me to shut out from everything altogether. Frankly, I’m just scared of getting hurt again. And probably because of my own sensitivity and feelings. When I was going home with a friend one day, the topic arose again when he asked me what CG was about. And as I explained to him what it was, he asked whether I felt that it was relevant. Immediately the uncomfortable feeling arose, and he continued speaking to me till I finally told him, “Actually I just… Don’t feel anything anymore. Becau-Because it hurt too much. And I’m tired of it”. He simply told me, “It’s okay. We all have periods of feeing tired and not feeling anything. It is just a phase and it will pass”.
From my mom’s words and my friends’, I just want to let it go slowly. And speaking to mom about it feels like therapy. She knows everything there is to how I feel, and even if she cannot help, sharing the pain does enable me to feel lighter and also able to reconcile my emotions.
I’ve been trying to manage my work and also allocating time to rest and chill-out… I realise time again that stress is my one enemy. It causes me to lose focus, forget what is important and does terrible things to my body. It causes me to feel stress on my back, and bleeding nose as well. There are so many factors that can affect me when I am stressed… As such, I try to handle one thing at a time. Easier said than done, but with the piano exam out of the way, I can breathe more easily. Our projects are also coming to a close.
Despite the workload, I’ve been seeking to spend some quiet moments with my family and friends. And I am learning more and more how to control my emotions when in school, because the world does not stop for you when you are tired. You need to keep going and put up a strong front to keep going. Even if the morning was bad I’d fix myself to go for all the lectures and meetings that I originally planned to go.
And in between, I had some good catch-ups with some friends. I feel happy to see them and also chill-out over some simple food, and talk about our feelings and transitions into university. It helps to know that people here are also seeking to find out their place in college, and also the field by which they hope to excel in. Despite the feelings of dissatisfaction in college, one blessing I have here would be caring friends. Even though I do not see them as often, I still feel a sense of bonding with them, as we update each other and have simple meals together. These really help me cope with school. When I am stressed, I sometimes ask for prayer, or talk it out with my friends. Some are really genuinely concerned, and voicing it to them helps me…. As I speak or write, I feel more connected and understand my feelings better. This also reassures me that I am not walking in college alone. There are people there who care, who do not just see me as a project/lecture mate, or a face in school. They see me as a person, and I am grateful for meeting and keeping friendships.
Chill time with my family is also important. I realise I do recharge and feel better when I am in quiet place alone, and the home gives me that space to help myself get a grip of my emotions. I’m coping, and I’m okay. And my family is also very kind to me… They are really happy when I join them for meals on weekends, and they always ask about my school work since it is a big point of stress for me. Dinners with my family are always relaxing, since we for one do not like crowded spaces. We’d do simple fun things like go to a favourite restaurant, watch a movie at home… This week my mom and I were home alone for a while, so we could venture out and eat things that the guys would not like. We went for dinner and ran errands over the days, and sometimes I’d be the one driving the family around. Today we went for an ice cream trip after dinner, and I felt so happy. Simple treats like ice cream and desserts make things fun and perk me up… The family gives me a solace that I cannot explain. It’s just the feeling of being myself, and also having them love you no matter what.
Also, some elements of thanksgiving would be looking forward to things coming up for summer. I am very much looking forward to the Church Camp in June and my internship with Vulcan Post coming in May. Planning for CF Freshman Orientation Camp is also in full swing, and despite the long-winded meetings and the things we have to do, I am grateful I met this team of people and I am looking forward to spending more time with them as our planning goes to fruition. Currently we are sorting out workshops, games and the theme verse… I pray also that the fundraising sales would be successful in helping us raise our camp budget. Besides that, I’m also looking forward to see some friends I have not met in a while, and also submitting all the projects and portfolios. Even if there are final exams in late April, I’m glad that the semester is ending, and soon I’ll be having a break again.