It’s been a really amazing week, and yet it was a hard one too.
God has been abundant in His love, and I can’t thank Him enough. I was so overwhelmed with grace, that I cried, not out of sadness, but the fullness of His provision.
Deep inside, I was dry… Parched and thirsty after months of trying hard, be it committing to things, studying really hard or just reaching out to people. And I became parched. I was dried up inside… There was no amount of work done that was enough, and no amount of effort I put in seemed to work or appease. Time after time I tried doing my work to its best, and all it got was a nasty remark, or a discouraging comment from a teacher. No matter what I did things just did not work out. Grades fell, I grew worn out, plans failed… My service in church became an obligation than a service, school became something I dragged myself to because I was so tired of trying, and being there for friends became tiring as I had nothing left inside of me to give. I was parched and thirsty.
There was nothing going well… Every night I went to His Word, seeking and finding for an answer. There was none. And I didn’t feel Him. He felt so far away. And I was tired, on the verge of giving up on things, and I just didn’t want to try anymore. As these thoughts flowed into my mind, something happened that just kicked start blessings that came pouring in, like streams to a desert.
My mom cried with me, and during a family prayer, I just cried out in desperation of how I was struggling in my walk especially in school. My family was always there in the periods of sadness. Some people whom I were never really that close to yet, showered me with the best love possible.Some expressed it through words, which comforted me in need, others gave a life experience that they shared and encountered through Bible study, others through songs, and others in the littlest ways. In one of the notes, she wrote “You are never alone” and I just wanted to cry right there, because I felt so alone… And knowing that someone there cared, was all that mattered. As I listened to the songs that were sent to me, I felt so touched as each song was so apt and magical to listen to. Every lesson and advise they gave spoke to me and resounded within me. God has suddenly answered, with a different way.
Yesterday, I went to consult a Professor for a lesson. I’ve never seen her as a personal down-to-earth person, till I met her face to face. She never met me in person before, and I doubt if she actually knew I was in her lecture. I was expecting her to say what all teachers said, which was to compare me with the bell curve, and my standard compared to theirs. I was waiting to hear another statement of “that’s not good enough” or the disapproving look that I was ‘not trying hard’. But then, she said “It pains me to see you so stressed. Please, take a breather and don’t worry, because year 1 is still a period of discovery” and then she started asking me how I was coping in school. She suggested new methods for me to try out, which I have already begun, and with time I think it can be salvaged.
She encouraged me, and she readily empathised with how hard it was in the beginning semesters. I told her I was slow in school, and she readily disagreed. With a smile, she told me to be confident in myself, and she complimented the notes that I took, which were the only proof I had that I tried very hard to study. As she peered through them, something that surprised me was that she really appreciated the effort and want to help me. This was the first time any professor has encouraged me before. I was so overwhelmed with her kindness, and I just wanted to cry and give her a hug, no matter how crazy the idea sounded. After weeks of receiving critical feedback, this one sentence just changed things altogether… And I just cried the minute I reached home, because for once, someone did not look at what I achieved, but how much effort was behind everything. And for someone to look at me not for my grades, but as a person whom she wanted to help, was amazing.
People have been really helpful, and God sent so many people around to help me. I feel really touched, and despite the worries, I can do it with God’s help. In my hunger for His presence, the sudden overflow had come, and I feel Him again. Tis a blessing, and I feel loved by Him. I am thankful, and realise how much I need God in this period of time. It’s a lot of pain, discouragement, dryness and giving to people in need, thus this was really apt. Even in rain, there is so much to thank God for.