My dad apologised to me today.
Who knew what sparked off this within him, but then, he told me he was sorry.
I was astonished… Sorry for what exactly??
He said, that he felt that if he could turn back time, maybe he would have parented my brother and I differently. That he would engage us in more outdoor activities, taught us differently, and maybe, we’ll be more confident people. More confident children, and braving to face the world. But then, I beg to differ dad… I don’t think you did anything wrong. And neither of us did too. I don’t regret turning out this way, and I don’t think a lack of confidence is your fault at all.
Humans are weird things. Have too much of something, have too little of something, it is a bad thing too.
Some people are born to greatness, and others are not. I am the latter, I already know it. 🙂
There are some people, who just try something, and they can just do it. They can perform well at it, after giving it a try. It’s okay for them to try new stuff, since they would excel in it anyway. Somehow, they can pull it off. I always admire those girls who can just be beautiful, without giving much thought to it. I admire those who try out for dance, and it turns out they can. For sports, indeed, I admire those that can just try 1001 types of games, and still look good at it. Flawless.
For me, I need to learn…
It may come easy to others, but not for me. In pretty much everything I do. There would always be someone better, and you’re not even second best, or even close to that. So it requires a lot of me, to do anything much. So, even if I did try more outdoor things, and I did enrol for more stuff, I think the end result would be the same. I just can’t. It’s not in my blood. Maybe that was how I started shunning from these things, only occasionally crawling out to try a bit of it. And now, I am learning slowly, to give it a shot, even if it means feeling lousy about it afterwards. Having too little, means you have to grab it. Gain it. And when you can’t, it hurts.
I needed to learn how to be more outspoken. I needed to learn how to have a sense of humour and let loose. I even needed to learn how to keep myself tidy, and how to manage a room. How to play a decent piano piece with emotions. How to operate a computer. How to study hard and focus. How to stop looking nonchalant and intimidating. I needed to learn, it isn’t an innate ability. It does not come naturally for me. I need to learn it first, and that perhaps, made the confidence factor falter. And it requires a huger part of me, to do something even though I really don’t want to. I don’t want to let people see how imperfect I was, I hid in the shadows. I tried to ignore it when I got attention. When people looked at me when I walked in the streets, I felt uncomfortable. Cuz I felt (and still feel..) imperfect.
Now it is getting better, and I guess maybe, I don’t really need to be perfect anyway. Flaws are flaws… And the confidence factor would slowly come in, as I realise I CAN do some things. Sure, they are not big things, but they are some things. 🙂
The beauty of it all, is when you meet people who appreciate you, and give you a compliment, just as you are. It makes you more appreciative of something like that. If you have been perfect all your life, praise doesn’t matter. It comes rolling to your doorstep, without any effort at all. With blemishes, you then appreciate that someone thought good of you. That hey, you aren’t so bad… These people, make life special, and even beautiful. If you have been perfect all your life, you don’t even need to feel obliged to do something, or have fear of doing anything. But then, with flaws, and weakness perhaps, you then appreciate what hard work is all about. You learn to persevere even though it hurts bad. Even if you aren’t someone’s choice on the list, or the one that stands out. That mini effort, is then worthwhile. It matters you see. It matters to me.
And with all these, you also get hurt. Some people do it unintentionally, making you feel a little less about yourself. Or when you face rejection, you then feel that inadequacy factor gnawing at you, biting into what little confidence you have. That you’re not funny enough, or good enough to matter. That’s why when I meet people who tell me, that I am good enough, or that I even matter, mean a lot to me. Such people. become my good friends. And I am glad for having them around. Even if they do hurt me, or make me feel inadequate at times, I feel I made a good choice letting them hurt me. They are worth it.
It makes you empathise more with people. When people belittle themselves, or feel inadequate, I see myself. And that’s why I want to make it a point to say something nice, hear them out a bit. If it makes the person better, why not? People need encouragement, and I want to build people up. I don’t want them to feel what I feel when I feel lousy about myself. You become more sensitive to people, and somehow it gives you empathy. So yes, flaws can be embarrassing, but it makes you see the world in a different perspective. Flaws make you human. And it makes others look human too. It makes you have a heart, to want to help them out after all.
And as you gain confidence, and heal, you help others do too.
There is a saying:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others- Marianne Williamson
That is what flaws do. It makes you want to be better, and perhaps heal yourself too. It is also applying to the confident ones. When they are confident, they struggle with pride. And admitting that they need help. So I guess in both ways, everyone needs to brush on their flaws. It’s normal. And it’s beautiful, since it is only human.
So if I had a chance to change who I am, and reverse the clock, I would not. I have no regrets with who I am. Weak, but strong in God. Shadowed, but not really invisible. Afraid, yes, but not too afraid to not try… I am glad with just the way I am. No regrets.